When loneliness is culture shock in disguise.
"I don't understand it. People are polite, but nobody seems interested in becoming friends." It is a sentence I hear surprisingly often from expats living in Germany. After the excitement of moving abroad begins to fade, many people are left with an unexpected feeling of loneliness. They start wondering whether they are doing something wrong or whether there is something about them that makes it difficult to connect with others.
As an English-speaking psychologist, I often reassure people that these feelings are far more common than they realise. In many cases, they are not signs of depression or personal failure. They are part of the emotional process of adapting to a new culture.
One of the biggest surprises for many newcomers isn't the language, the weather or even the famous German bureaucracy. It is discovering that making friends seems to require far more patience than they expected. Germany is generally considered a more individualistic society than many other countries. Privacy, independence and personal boundaries are highly valued, and people often separate their private lives from their professional lives. Friendships are usually built slowly, sometimes over months or even years, rather than through spontaneous invitations or frequent social gatherings.
For someone who comes from a culture where neighbours stop for a chat, family members drop in unannounced or friendships form quickly, this difference can feel deeply unsettling. It is easy to interpret reserved behaviour as rejection when, in reality, it is often simply a different cultural way of relating to one another.
Our brains are naturally wired to seek belonging. Whenever we enter a new environment, we unconsciously ask ourselves whether we fit in and whether we are accepted. When social rules suddenly change, our minds often search for explanations. Many expats begin telling themselves stories such as "Nobody likes me," "I'm doing something wrong," or "Maybe I don't belong here." Although these thoughts feel very real, they often reflect the emotional uncertainty of culture shock rather than the reality of how other people see us.
This experience can be particularly intense for people who come from more collectivist cultures, where family, friends and neighbours are naturally involved in everyday life. In these cultures, social connection happens almost automatically. When those familiar interactions suddenly disappear, the silence can feel overwhelming. What is actually a cultural difference may be experienced emotionally as isolation.
It is important to remember that you are not failing. You are adapting. Moving abroad involves far more than changing your address. You leave behind familiar routines, social networks, cultural references and often a part of your identity that was closely connected to your home country. Rebuilding that sense of belonging takes time, and there is nothing unusual about finding that process emotionally exhausting.
One of the most valuable sources of support during this transition is often the expat community itself. Many people worry that spending time with other expats will slow down their integration, but in my experience the opposite is often true. Connecting with people who understand exactly what you are experiencing provides reassurance that your feelings are normal. Whether through Facebook groups, local meet-ups, language exchanges or community events, these spaces allow people to share experiences, exchange practical advice and remind one another that they are not alone. Sometimes, hearing someone else say, "I felt exactly the same when I first arrived," is enough to replace self-doubt with hope.
There is another aspect of living abroad that receives far less attention. Many expats assume that returning home will immediately feel comfortable again. Instead, they are surprised to discover that they no longer feel entirely at home there either. Friends have moved on with their lives, family dynamics have changed, and the person returning is no longer the same person who left. Living abroad changes us. We develop new perspectives, different habits and a broader understanding of the world. Returning home can therefore bring its own unexpected loneliness, a phenomenon psychologists often refer to as reverse culture shock.
Many returning expats describe feeling caught between two worlds. They no longer feel completely at home in their country of origin, yet they still do not feel fully rooted in their adopted country. While this can be confusing, it is also a sign of personal growth. Living in another culture expands our identity rather than replacing it. Home becomes less about a geographical place and more about the people, experiences and values we carry with us.
If you recognise yourself in these words, I hope you will allow yourself some patience. Building a life in a new country is one of the greatest psychological adjustments we can experience. Instead of asking yourself why you feel so lonely, perhaps ask what you are learning while creating a life between two cultures. That small shift in perspective often replaces self-criticism with self-compassion.
Remember that you do not have to go through this journey alone. Reach out to other expats, accept invitations, join local communities and allow relationships the time they need to develop. Meaningful friendships in Germany often take longer to grow, but they are frequently deep, loyal and long-lasting.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: feeling lonely does not mean you don't belong. It simply means you are in the middle of creating a new sense of belonging. And if one day you return to your home country only to discover that you feel different there as well, know that this is not a sign that you have lost your home. It is a sign that your world has grown larger. Home is no longer just one place. It is the collection of experiences, relationships and memories that have shaped who you have become.
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